Things change.

{ 06/29/2011 @ 11:04 am } · { Relationships }
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I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year. With a good, kind, sweet, sometimes not-so-mature man.

I met him not long after I wrote the last post. And for once, I think I have all the ingredients for a good and stable relationship. But sometimes dealing with this boyfriend of mine is like dealing with a petulant teenager. He never really means anything malicious, but he tends to lash out when he’s hurt or say stupid things without thinking or pitch a fit when he doesn’t get his way. On the other hand, he is responsible, reliable, caring, compassionate, smart, and a fuck ton of other really great things.

The not-so-great things, I think, will and even are working their way out of his system. But truly, he’s probably the worst communicator I’ve ever encountered. He doesn’t really know how to talk about the things he’s feeling, so he just bottles everything up and then explodes when he can’t take any more.

He hasn’t been in a lot of relationships, so he doesn’t have much practice at talking to a partner. I have been in quite a few serious relationships of all kinds. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to talk to a wall.

Most of the problem lies in the fact that he wants to be all of these things that he really just isn’t. And I’m okay with the fact that he isn’t, because I think that we should all be constantly working to better ourselves. The problem is that he isn’t okay with it, and often flips his shit when faced with the fact that he is not, in fact, open-minded or laid back or terribly progressive or open to change or new ideas.

And I think he will be.

But right now, he just isn’t.

I do have a problem with the fallout that comes from him having to face these things, as I’m the one who’s usually pointing them out.

I’m pretty comfortable with myself and the things I would like to change, but mostly knowing who I really am. And it really bothers me when people blatantly lie to themselves, and by extension others, about who they are. Plus, it’s really confusing to be told that someone is laid back and then when everything doesn’t go exactly as planned, they breakdown. That’s really not laid back behavior.

I? Am not laid back. I can be about some things, but I like things the way I like them and I’m okay with that. I try not to hurt others and I try to keep my neuroses from affecting others as much as I can, but the truth is, I’m not laid back.

I think the world would be a better place if all the people who weren’t laid back could just admit it. I’d a doer, I’m a go-getter, I like to get things done. I’m opinionated and strong and ambitious. That’s not a bad thing.

Except, of course, on an online dating profile, wherein that spells out “I’m a tireless nagging bitch.” But gender stereotypes are a topic for another day.

What I really don’t want is to think that you’re just as sarcastic and prone to making fun as I am, only to find out a month and a half later that really, I’ve been hurting your feelings all this time (despite the fact that you were dishing it out at least as much as I was) and you were hoping that this was a part of me that would change once we got to know each other better.

THAT was a crappy day.

I think pretty much all of these issues stem from a lack of confidence. From not being comfortable in his own skin. But I think he can get there. And when he does? He’s going to be even more amazing than he already is. Relationships aren’t always easy and so far, I’m willing to put in the time and effort on this one.

Stay tuned for the great cohabitation experiment of 2011. I knew there was a reason I avoided this all these years.

Goodness it’s been a long time.

{ 06/10/2010 @ 9:09 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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As an update, not that anyone is reading this, the boyfriend is no longer in my life.  We just weren’t suited for each other.  It was like I had all the ingredients to bake this beautiful cake, but they were all in the wrong proportions.  I worried and worried that I had made the wrong decision, because here was this sweet, nice guy and it wasn’t really…good enough for me.

Then I met him for a beer four months after the breakup and well, I didn’t make a mistake.  All the insecurities and all the defensiveness that I thought were there came shining through over two beers.

So I’ve been on my own for a few months. Honestly, being alone is comfortable. Being alone feels like the way it should be, at least for now.

My friends, my supposedly wonderful friends, had been keeping me busy. Now, however, it seems that most of my friendships have fallen apart. Why? Because, for once, I actually needed friends. Nearly the day that happened, everything changed. Now I feel so very alone.

Plenty of the fault lies on my shoulders. Rarely is any party completely blameless. My fault is usually that I’d rather just walk away than force something that seems to have lost its spark. Trying to “make it work” (You’re awesome, Tim Gunn!) is generally where I’ve failed at relationships in the past. I just keep trying and trying and pushing, trying to force something that’s no longer there. At this point in my life, I feel less interested in the work. Relationships are supposed to work both ways, so I shouldn’t be the only one making the effort.

To be continued…

Alone in a Crowd

{ 12/16/2009 @ 1:39 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I have tons of wonderful friends.  I feel completely alone.

I recently started dating a man who is kind, compassionate, smart, and sweet, and now every time he touches me in that super sweet way, I cringe.  When he’s in my space, I want to scream.  I feel smothered and suffocated and trapped.

He hasn’t done anything wrong, per se.

I’m terrified that I’m just so messed up that I can no longer BE in a “normal” healthy relationship.  Or that I won’t be able to recognize one if it hits me in the face.

I watch my other girlfriends flail around like fish out of water and…I just don’t want that.  I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to be that.  I’m just finished with it all.

I have no problem being alone, but deep down inside?  I think it would be nice if that love story would happen to me.  Even deeper down inside?  I don’t think I deserve it.  And I’m not sure I’m worth it.

My dad pretty much walked out on me when I was a small kid.  I’m sure there were extenuating circumstances or whatever, but the bottom line is:  He wasn’t there.  He actually said the words, “I can’t really be around you because you remind me too much of your mother.”

Have you any idea what that does to a small child?

So I learned that men (and most people, really) just walk away.  No matter how much they claim to love you, they walk away.  And in my life, it has happened over and over again.  I keep hoping that one day I will be special enough.  One day, someone will stay, no matter how hard I push.

I’m scared of who I will become if that never happens.

Time to rip off the bandaid.

{ 12/14/2009 @ 7:52 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Theoretically, I should start this blog with an entry about who I am and why you might want to read this.

I’m not going to do that.  I’m also not sure you actually do want to read this.  Please take that into consideration as you move forward.

Additionally, I’m probably going to be dumping a lot of shit on you, via this blog.  It will be raw, honest, personal, and sometimes more than a little uncomfortable.  I’m not the slightest bit bothered by this.

Just to give you the bare bones:

I’m 30-something.

I’m female.

My life hasn’t exactly always been a bowl of cherries.

I have more than my fair share of emotional baggage and neuroses and I’m pretty well aware of all of them.

I do not play well with others.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…Hi, dear new readers.  Welcome to the inside of my head.  We’re all in for a bumpy ride.